i got too much free time. It's making me think. i could be doing so much right now. Like travelling, playing sports and going to the beach with a pair of sunglasses. But no, i'm stuck here. In this office, bored to the bone. I think i'd have more fun smashing my skull into a wall. Bored bored bored. No phone calls and no chatting either. Mom has me figured out. She knows me bettter than i know myslef. Scary stuff. I hate this. I really wish i could do what i want without fear. Until then, i love you.

Take care.


  posted by E.C.tasy @ 5:31 PM

 
get well soon grant, allergies suck.
anyways, ive been bored as well. ive been packing all the stuff in my room. i have over a 100 beanie babies that i need to store in like four two boxes. i have way too many things in my room. im getting so sick of it. after taking off all the posters in my room, i noticed all the pinholes in my wall.. haha too bad for the person who moves in my room. its so puny. just like me. i threw out half the things i don't need, and i realised that i have so many accessories that i dunt even wear. what i waste. im giving half my toys to goodwill or once upon a time. hopefully those kids will like my toys. its strange tho, every time i donate something, it seems that people leave trash there. god, i doubt those kids even want it. im gonna be giving teddy bears, barbies, .. yes i used to collect barbies. i found a bunch in my closet.. hahaha. the only thing really im keeping are my stuffed animals and my beanie babies. i love em. they take up all the space on my bed. but i dun even sleep there, i sleep in the guest room, a bigger bed. my room is more for decoration and studying hehe. i can't wait til i move tho. i finally will be able to use my own washroom. what a success. im going to scarboro town today w/ my mum. she's great, i love her. she takes me to so many places and still, i sometimes talk back and create stupid conspiracies. i seriously have to stop turning little things into huge and unnecessary situations, its such a waste of time. im planning to grow this summer. both mentally and physically. i think i will be able to grow to about 5'5 if im lucky. im jumping and working out everyday and im still so fat... well everyone things im boney but wtvr. hahaha i plan to only eat fuits and vegies... fish maybe.... hmm. my daddys office is so quiet.. im looking at this collection of model cars rite now. i wish i had a porsche carerra 911. future... theres always the future.

brazil played horrible today. although they won, i still think they're defence and offence was messed up. ronaldo was strange today. he did score which gave brazil the lead, but honestly, he's hurt... and ronaldihno was on the bench cheering. stupid reff from the england vs brazil game kicked him out. stupid loser. i swear, that really pissed me off. dihno's amazing, only 22 yrs of age. argh, so many chances... at least 12-14 shots were taken, and only 1 scored! THAT SUCKS... REALLY SUCKS. but i still love brazil. ive always hads a passion for brazil and football. im not that good in football (soccer) but i still love watching it. every time there is a big event like fifa world cup, olympics (both summer and winter), or bball playoffs... hockey playoffs.. i get into this craze all over the event. especially the summer games in sydney. i love watching it, especially when simon whitfield got gold in the triathlon. thats just fantastic, especially when Canada's athletes are not as dominant as the americans. back to football, well its now brazil VS. germany. great, i like both teams, but brazil more. my bro likes germany. he was rooting for turkey hahaha. but i like germany as well. it will be an excellement match. i hope brazil wins. four yrs ago was a fluke. france is gone. four yrs later it will be held in germany. i hope germany wins then, they will definately deserve it. ha. korea's out. this liddle girl was crying... TOO BAD.. sorry.. although im azn, im still canadian, i like germany more than korea. and now brazil over any team, any day.

my dad was telling me about pele and how he was the best player in his time. great eh? ronaldo's still amazing. quite old now.. late 20s i predict. but ppl like dihno, hes so funny and cute. he looks like he's ten. amazing player. hopefully, rivaldo and dino will put up a good match against ballack and khan. wierd eh? the goaltender for germany is oliver khan.. and he's white. strange last name. anyways, best of luck to both germany and brazil. may the better team win! im wrappin up hea. latez

  posted by Anonymous @ 12:00 PM

 
summer seems terribly amazing. although that might not make a load of sense, I still have decided to make this summer worth while. perhaps, i can go somewhere. im begging my mum to take me to hawaii once again. the last time i went was brilliant. a free night at the best resort in honolulu, with a magnificent view of the ocean... damn it was nice. I must desist from swearing so much as my dad said. haha. but anyways. i hope that many of you are enjoying your summer vacation. apparently, at this moment, everyone is happy. that quote was absolutely straight forward. I used to be straight forward and keep things simple, now im messed up in the head and I dwell too much on the past. its strange and vague how I work. maybe thats how I think myself to be but others don't. i hope i can go downtown his weekend, and watch minority report, or mr. deeds. people are consistently telling me its amazing and the plot works well with the play and yadda yadda yadda. im stuck here in my dad's office, the most boring yet quiet place unless my mom decides to entertain everyone with her food. food is good, just not too much this summer.. i have to work out. i keep telling myself that but it never happens. FINE. starting today, it will happen... god im some hypocritical freak, but at least gimme some credit for trying.... hehe....neways...im out.

  posted by Anonymous @ 12:02 PM

 
just follow your heart and don't turn back...
I promise you, it won't deceive you...
an angel will guide you...
discover your own world...
live your own life...
create magic that only you can control...
believe yourself...
trust the soft spoken words that your heart whispers to you...
remember, when one suffers, there will always
be another in the world who suffers more...
walk the path you built...
once one has commited a sin...
only one chooses to move on...
or chooses to linger on the past...
the future holds a secret...
only for you to unfold...
you chose who you want to be
not me, not them...
I am me, not you...
you are you, not me...

  posted by Anonymous @ 9:26 PM

 
no intro. no outro. just words. take it. leave it. think nothing and walk away.

What happens when your soul dies but you're still alive? do walk around aimlessly? Do u live the rest of your physical life as is? Do u think? Do u love? Does passion remain? Do is all just s task to complete? Do u drive? Do u proceed?
What happens when all is left is me and i'm alone in the universe? Who will be here when i need them? Who do i cry on? Who do i open my heart to? When i'm alone no one will hold me and tell me everything is ok. Or that there will be a tomorrow. No one will save me. I make my own choices. I fall as i please. And die with no dignity.
I rot with green envy. i decay solo. I fade away and never or ever was forgotten. I further exist as nothing or anything at all. But i'll die niether happy or unhappy. I'll die screaming. I'll try to die with spirit. I'll die fighting and with hope. All i can do now is breathe and be me.
I really don't like it that way. But the all, i have created my own misery. I hate you. i don't know what to do. You know who i am. I hate what i am. I want to change who i am. I can't. The past is written. But if i could turn back time i would change everything. All my regrets. All i cry about. All i have become. All i believe. All i am now. I should. I should kill it. Forget. Sinful remorse. Kill rock and breathe gravity.

  posted by E.C.tasy @ 3:18 PM

 
Hey y'all.
Haven't been here for awhile. This is suppose to be a thought page right? Lotsa stuff has been happening these past couple of weeks. I don't like posting stuff all the time because sometime i agitate ppl and make em feel less than they are. i dunno. just wanna b safe i guess. things are bad as they are.
I don't know what i'm suppose to do. i'm trapped in between two. He's really pissed right now. Thinks he;s second best. I don't understand why he places himself. I mean, why first, second or third? He's important to me. The number is nothing. I don't think he knows that i care and that i always will. The last week i've been really busy and i've made him feel left out. The email was a slap in the face. i deserved it. I'll never do it again. Love you lots T. I hope u gimmie a chance. Won't let you down But on the other, if the choice is taken, will you leave? Just walk away? Forget, let go, and not even say good bye? This is the toughest part. The part where i don't know what to do. I have a choice in between two. i don't like it.
Why is this situation crossed between three people? I'll alwayz luv T and i want to see what happens with B as things seem to take itz poll. Why can't it be two different relationships? Not interconnected? T is my best friend. T hates B but does he have to hate me? I like B, and T doesn't want me to because itz "bad" for me and he can't stand him. But is it just the fact that i'm with him? And T doesn't really have a relationship with B. It's me who does. so why is he jumping over? I thought the relationship was suppose to be between me and B. and us only. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Choosing is difficult. i don't know if i can do it. I think i might have to.
And if I continue to be friends with T, can he look at me as a friend and nothing else? I don’t want déjà vu all over again. I don’t think I can live through it. Or maybe I will. This is tuff stuff. I can deal. I’ll deny failure. I won’t accept it. …>But itz so difficult!
Ppl keep telling me I’m being stupid and foolish. I’ll get hurt. I really appreciate the fact that you’re telling me because you care. But there are some things that I want to find out on my own, in my own time, in my own way. If I crash and burn, I’ll be happy for me. Could you be happy for at the worst? I would learn and experience and life as is. The one thing I’m really dreading is the ppl I’ll hurt along the way. But once again, isn’t the relationship suppose to be between me and him? Why does it have to involve everyone else? So frustrating. Maybe I’m stupid and I haven’t grasped the concept. I don’t want to hurt anybody. It’s so hard to please everybody. It’s so hard not to fall on my knees and cry.

Trip
Trip
Trippin
Let me fall
Let go
Don’t hold on
Let me be
Let me live
Let me die
As I please.


  posted by E.C.tasy @ 12:00 AM

 
wow..today's been quite pleasant.. my first day of summer. quite boring and tedious but hey.. its wayy better than sitting endlessly in classess listening to teachers go on about different aspects of that subject.. k enough. school's over, haha. damn this whole selfish thing is bothering me. am i seriously that selfish? I may want to please people b/c I dun wanna hurt em but it's inevitable. no matter what I end up hurting someone one way or another. I seem to be experiencing a fun life right now.. haha zahra thought i called her this morning, she sounded so dead.. sleeping in is good. i didn't go to bed til about 1:30 last night. i was chattin wid omair and tommy, then omair went to laugh wid leno haha. and tommy's been tellin me about brazil.. AHHHHHH i hope brazil wins, im actually hoping that brazil ends up facing germany.. that wud be a tuff game! oOoOoOo... i have to go to school today.. which really sux. damn it.. ya i have to help wid grad shit... fuck.. why can't they juss leave me alone man... DAMN IT.. im gonna go see furniture this weekend.. how fun. i can't wait til camp tho.. sports .. sports.... and more sports.... and i can't wait til i move. i dream every nite. last nite i had this dream.. i was in this huge house, and this guy had a gun pointing at me... how.. pathetic i can be haha. aw well. keeps me company during my sleep.. by dreaming? ew. im wrappin up.. ive cooled down.. plz ignore my last entry.. it was sorta a "I-was-pissed-at-the-moment" type thing. please excuse my continuously retardness and rudeness. hahaha thanx
later

  posted by Anonymous @ 12:06 PM

 
great.. sorry grant. but im really gonna explode now... i just wanted to let all my feelings flow out of my brain and leave it on this blogger thing as a preserved history thingy. before i start.. i just wanted to say.. that ive changed... i dunno.. maybe in a bad or good way but ive changed... and i hate it.. i had SUCH a fukkin good day today.. UNTIL NOW.... I HATE FIGHTING.. its so fukkin hard to distinguish the genuine and the fakes.. WUTS WITH YOU PEOPLE???? I HAVE A LIFE TOO.... AND YES I MAY BE IMMATURE... but maybe u could STEP IN AND REpAIR MY UNFUNCTIONAL BRAIn.. YES I AM FUKED UP... who are my friends... who is real.. stop makin promises u can't keep... ya you.. DON'T TELL ME u will LOVE me FOREVER.. THOSE ARE THE MOST pathetic words ever... ive been brainwashed i swear.. by some maniac.... AHHHHHHHH IM SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY RITE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. (sorry grant for exploding).... im so outrageous... I feel like fire rite now.. and some asswipe is adding extra oil and im really about to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH i have so many real firends.. so make fake ppl... FUCK... ive had enuff... im so glad tomorrow is SUMMER .. thas rite i can't escape from my fears.. its called facing them, but how the fuck am i suppose to face a fear that constantly hurts me over and over and over and over and over again.. and yes i understand how he fukkin feels... ya ya ya.. and im apparently said to be selfish? have YOU ever put urself in my shoes? HAVE YOU???? TELL ME!!!!!!!! FUCK... IM SOO MAD... i had such a good day today... but instead.. someone has to constantly AGGRAVATE ME!!!!!! fuck this whole "I MAY SEEM INNOCENT" YA PPL.. IM A BITCH... IF THAS wut u wanna refer to me as.. yes IM A FUKKIN BITCH... AND YES im selfish.. YES i hurt ppl.. and YES IM A REALLY VULNERABLE.. wut do u expect.. a year of faces.. oh ya... i was also called conceited... well u noe wut... I AM... FUCK IF U WANT ME TO AGREE TO UR STUPID JUDGEMENTS THEN I DO.. IVE HAD ENUFF FOR STANDING UP FOR MYSELF.. GOD I SURRENDER OKAY? IM NOT GONNA FITE ANYMORE.. if u THINK im two faced.. OKAY THEN.. im two faced.. fine THREE FACED... HAPPY????? ARE U HAPPY I AGREE TO UR FUKKIN JUDGEMENTS... FINE THEN I DO!!!!! I AGREEEEEEE..... GOD... and yes i have broken many hearts.. but do u ahve to RUB IT IN MY FACE SO THAT IT HURTS MORE???? i swear.. ive never been so mad before... especially at ppl who claim they love me but wanna hurt me.... IS IT MY FAULT u seem to love me... NOOOOOOOO.... GOD!!!!!!!! GOD... its always about me rite???? IF THAS WUT U THINK.. then WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS SO DEPRESSED???? BECAUSE U ARE U IDIOTS!!!!! IM SAD CUZ U R.. U THINK im always sad cuz there are the fakes and the reals... im sad cuz i FEEL SORRY FOR THE REAL PPL... FUCK IM SO MAD.. cuz all the real ppl i noe are TRASHED and ya THAS ME.. we all affiliate as one group... yup.. we lose in the end... but do i give up? ya.. actually.. im losin faith... sometimes i laff it off.. i think.. AHAH IM SO RETARTED... i actually linger on and worry about this whole shit ive mentioned in the above paragraphs... but u noe wut? ive got friends who go thru far more shit... and i cry b/c of them. U THINK U GO THRU SHIT .. BUT U DON'T .. U GO THRU NOTHING... I SWEAR.... THIS IS ONLY GRADE NINE.. I SHUD BE JUMPING AROUND LIKE A MAD YOUNG TEEN.. it seems that IM TOOO "IMMATURE!!!!!" to understand.. well u noe wut.. maybe i am.. and maybe u shud accept that fact... im not sad rite now.. im actualyl really really pissed... REALLY PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IVE NEVER BEEN SO AGGRAVATED IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. and yes... i tend to be a hypocrite sometimes... but u noe in the end
WE ALL ARE SO STOP SAYING I AM CUZ IF U THINK ABOUT IT... by u telling me u can do something.. and end up doin the opposite.. its like u sayin ure gonna walk to the right but instead walk to the left... ya i dunt make sense.. but its good enuff for me to express how i feel.. fuck.. this word "love" really pisses me off.. never use it if u dunno how to.. wen i use love.. i never reach the extent that i wud mean anything more than a friend.. or a best friend. ... never tell me u love me unless u mean it... and don't say u mean it.. cuz i have done NOTHING for u to make u love me... and this applies to everyone.... honestly.... ive never sounded like such a bitch before, i feel so bad for wut i say but i really need to say it. damn... now i feel bad.. shit this can't happen. AHHHHHHHh.. stupid hand.. i can't stop typing.. it seems as if my brain is working too fast wid this shit... this undesirable shit.... this... GRRRRRr.. and my friends man.. one's goin thru a shit load of pain.. i wish i cud help him... PPL MAN... WAKE UP.. i feel so guilty about my past and everyone ive hurt... but in the end, i get hurt as well..... and plus.. stop being so stubborn i really don't understand why u never wanted to be my friend.. always MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE... it reminds me of how guys are depserate for.. k nvm. BUT IT PISSEss ME OFFFFFFFFFFF... STOP PUSHING IT TO THE EXTENT WHERE I HAVE TO USE MY BRAIN POWER... I LOVE YOU.. YES AS A FRIEND... I CHERISH ALL MY FRIENDS.. they leave an imprint in my heart... even if they've hurt me.. but they always have reasons... and wuts wrong wid friends... k before u answer that plz DO NOT SAY
"BECAUSE I CANT BE WID U W/O LOVING U"
FUCK THEN LEARN.. sorry.. that was a bit harsh
ahhhh im screwed.. i seriously NEED A LIFE.. i agree to all who THINK that... GRRRRR
.. anyhow.. im wrappin up hea...
farewell ppl ahh fuck this.. BYE

  posted by Anonymous @ 8:23 PM

 
hewo.. its me again. ya. me. well im sorta slacking off from studying since I am way to tired to even walk. I tried jumping and skipping a couple times hoping it would benefit me for my height if you know what I mean. my two exams today were arrite. hopefully I didn't a lot better than I think I did, hehe. I guess I don't always get what i want, but hey.. thats life. tomorrow I have another two exams, then I'm free, I'm free of shit, free of being stepped on and free of being a doormat. I know this is an excuse for escaping my problems but in two simple words --> fuck it. hehe.. whoops. im even starting to be lazy and type hahaha. sowee gwant if im being a bit :S
I can't believe school is almost over, thank the lord. ive been waiting for so long. Ive started to realise that I hallucinate a lot and I worry and craze over the most pathetic things. I went to bed at 10:30 last nite and couldn't fall asleep til about 11:30.. sheit.. funny day, neil banged my head and kissed it better HAHAHA.. he's the best, im gonna miss him wahhhhhhhh .. oh sheit.. tomorrow's the last day im going to see him.. thru all the sheit ive been thru (which is really nothing) he's always been there... thanx neil. thanx a lot. =)
maybe im juss scared that next yr will be darker and dumber. in other words, im going to repeat my mistakes. if i dun learn from them, im bound to repeat them scary thought... maybe to extreme.. hahaha but its common sense. im so happy and blah mixed in one, thank god the summer has come to save me.. hehe. i even sound like i have problems. its funny how you sit in a room, and u try not looking at someone, but then again ur brain tends to move ur eyes so that ure staring at that person from the corner of ur eye... its scary but its true... aw well.. i usually juss call them hormones and get on wid life... im becoming so retarted lately.. maybe its cuz im too happy about the summer or maybe cuz im gonna miss skewl... naww that can't be it. anyhow.. im wrapping up here... noffin else thas coming to my head... maybe except... I think im starting to avoid him... and um.. ya I hear he's an ass.. but wtvr.

  posted by Anonymous @ 8:18 PM

 
life... so.. blah! sorry grant, I never really get the chance to write stuff here. but now i guess i can. i studied for my science exam.. business is simple and straight forward, but SCIENCE.. nothing really penetrates my thick skull. dayam, ppl these days always writing bull in my gbook. its great to know they hate me and all but they're basically giving my site extra hits.. yay. haha. so how are u grant? u seem pretty.. alive. I'm quite dead, as usual. school is over in two fukkin days, a time for me to relax. wow. it seems as if my life is so mellow these days. I don't really tend to find my innerself anymore. ive practically lost who I am. it sucks to be me. dayam, I wish I could just live a day where I could smile.. yes.. thats why there's summer to depend on. honestly, im scared about my exams. im aiming for a fukkin 90.. scary huh? wellz...what can I say.. im working hard even tho science is my worst subject.. science is around us and I don't even notice that. gawd, my brain isn't really functioning properly. fuck. I just wanna live and smile at the same time. memories of the past haunt me, it's strange but wierd. people... so fake. I need someone to seriously talk to. maybe a psychiatrist that doesn't charge a fee... sigh... life sucks.... althought im trying to smile rite now!!!! k nothing else to say..... biyee...

  posted by Anonymous @ 9:19 PM

 
Hey y'all Wat ^?
I'm here at 1:16 in the morning. I got my retainer today...I had metal in my mouth for year, i feel great for a week, and then i'm back to metal and plastic. I feel really ugly and this thing is really gross. I seem to have slurred speech. I don't quite have the hang of it yet. When i talk I sound like i'm on depressants or something. Oh yah, it makes me gag too. Forget about being bulemic, its due to reflexes. haha. i'd like to tell my doc that.
last thing: hope u guys had fun at the concert!

  posted by E.C.tasy @ 1:16 AM